Laugh Date: Saturday, August 19, 2017

What's Inside

Best of RAH96
Taglines From January 1998


Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his death bed.

Bore, n: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

T'Pau, sister of T'Boom and T'Bang

TANSTAAFL. Bummer! How about dinner?

Sailors like to be blown.

VIP - Very Important Pipsqueak

Texans do it with oil.

Simon says stand! Simon says sit! Format drive C:! Ha! Gotcha!

T-shirts - taglines for the computer illiterate.

Teenagers - people so smart only other teenagers understand them.

TARDIS Express - When it absolutely must be there before you send it.

Safe sex, the next best thing to being there.

It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum.

People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten.

Meets quality standards: It compiles without errors.

Short cut - the longest distance between two points.

A problem can be found for almost every solution.

Taxidermists will mount anything.

Due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\

A programmer and his mind are soon parted.

Software engineer: One who engineers others into writing the code for him/her.

Next week, a doctor with a flashlight shows us where
sales projections come from. - Dogbert

You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you will need that version.

A rock ----> me <---- A hard place

Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - Isaac Asimov

"Bother!" said Pooh as he launched a Maverick.

Taxpayer: A government worker with no vacation, no sick leave and no holidays.

But of course the Universe does not make sense!

Oxymoron: silent testimony

And now, a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose.

"Muq," said Pooh as his ghak slithered off the table and out the door.

Gee, Mr. Wizard! Aren't nuclear reactors dangerous?

"Stwike him wather wuffly, centurion!"

I am Karl Marx of Borg. Workers of the world, assimilate!

Deja Tue: The feeling that this is the second time you've been there.

"Mashed potatoes can be your friend!" - A. Yankovic

Bitmaps? We don't need no stinking Bitmaps!

Inferiority complex: conviction by a jury of your fears.

Do you enjoy sex? That MY business! Oh, a professional, eh?

A newspaper is to a book as a whore is to a lady.

Cats are easier to train than kids, and easier to kill, too.

"Bother," said Pooh, as he had another plate of Piglet sausage.

TOP SECRET MESSAGE! BURN BEFORE READING!

Ferret: cross between a dachshund and a cat.

"It's the Cancer Society." "TELL THEM WE DON'T WANT ANY!!"

"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.

Profanity: the universal programming language.

...now touch these wires to your tongue!

A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1

Those who can't write, write help files.

I am Yoda of Borg. Futile, resistance is. Assimilate you, we will.

A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.

Haven't I seen you on a milk carton?

Kill the extremists.

A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.

Life without order is chaos. Order without life is death.

Hark! The moon like a testicle hanging low in the sky! - Robin Williams

A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.

Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.

A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.

I'm a internaut and I'm OK. I surf all night and I sleep all day.

Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.

Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.

Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.

Avoid temporary variables and strange women.

Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.

A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering everywhere.

Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS

End user: A primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain.

DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Debugger: A tool that substitutes afterthought for forethought.

Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds...

The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2

Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.

Document code? Why do you think they call it "code?"

Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...

E Pluribus UNIX.

No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space. - James T. Kirk

Every bug you find is the last one.

Field tested: Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.

When all else fails, let a = 7. If that doesn't help, then read the manual.

Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.

Honey, I Formatted the Kid!

Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...

How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.

I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.

One picture is worth 128K words.

I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.

New: It comes in different colors from the previous version.

If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?

Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket.

If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.

Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.

Maintenance free: It's impossible to fix.

To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.

It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your child processes are?

My sister opened a UNIX computer store in Hawaii.
She sells C shells by the seashore.

Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater.

One man's constant is another man's variable.

Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

A mouse is an elephant built in Japan.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.

What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities.

An ounce of pretension = a pound of manure.

"Does 'anal retentive' have a hyphen?" "No, it has a colon."

Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?

grep..grep..grep... (a Frog with UNIX stuck in its' throat)

Your password is pitifully obvious.

I'm Jabba's kind of scum - fearless and inventive.

Gandhi would have smacked you in the head.

______________________________

Random Nonsense:
If speed scares you, try Windows...
 

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