Laugh Date: Saturday, April 29, 2017

What's Inside

Best of RAH96:
Nothing But The Truth

by Greg Borek

Copyright © 1995 Greg Borek, All Rights Reserved.


Frank: Say, Bob, what's that on your TV?

Bob: Oh, didn't I mention that? I've been dabbling a little in electronics and I made a TV filter for the cable.

Frank: A TV filter? How does it work?

Bob: I created the software and circuitry to only display programs that display the truth. Only accurate and wholesome stuff.

Frank: Really? How well does it work?

Bob: See for yourself. Look at that. Mostly nothing. 150 channels and all I get is John Wayne movies, Infiniti commercials, Rush Limbaugh, and pre-Eisner Disney movies.

Frank: Can you, I don't know, widen the definition?

Bob: I tried changing it just a little but all I could also get was Looney Tunes cartoons. No matter how much I expand it though, I can't get Sam Donaldson at all.

Frank: No chance to show regular TV then?

Bob: Well, I figured out how to show broadcast TV but the software has to interpret what the speaker is saying and say what he means in the speaker's voice. You get to watch the actual shows but it's a little disconcerting watching TV when the people lip's don't match their words. Wait, I'll show you. I'll switch settings and we'll watch something. Here you go:

Moderator: Good morning and welcome to Liberal Propaganda, an alleged news program with almost as much credibility as the National Enquirer. Our purpose is to only spread the liberal agenda with no rational debate. Since we have nothing constructive to say we try to create fear to try to hang on to our support base of victims.

In our constant attempt to try to make conservatives look ridiculous, we have invited the Reverend Tightass, founder of Crusty Harmful Useless Meddling People, and so far to the right he looks G. Gordon Liddy look like Ted Kennedy. We will use him to make the great unwashed masses think all conservatives are this closed-minded and extreme. Reverend, good morning you old fool.

Reverend: You were thinking about sex just then, weren't you?

Moderator: Fascist. Also on the program is some poor schmoe we are going to make look like a moralless exploiter of little children if we can, but is in actuality just some guy running a bulletin board. Meet Joe Sysop, victim for the day.

Sysop: Good morning, Moderator. I'm nervous about being here. There is only reason why you would invite me on the show. I only hope I don't get barbecued before I get a chance to state...

Moderator: Hey, hey, none of that. I am god here. Now, time to bait the old codger. Reverend, if I understand your group's position correctly (which is quite difficult with all of the martinis I had for breakfast), you essentially don't want anyone to have any fun at all. Is that right?

Reverend: Yes, that is correct. Fun and enjoyment are contrary to the rigorous discipline required to achieve salvation. I would beat the congregation with sticks if I could get away with it. The pain inflicted would keep their minds off sex for a while, anyway.

Sysop: Why don't you think fun allowed in your religion? I don't remember your Good Book saying "Thou shalt not have fun". Jesus went to wedding receptions, didn't he? He made wine, didn't he?

Reverend: How dare you contradict me! I will tolerate no dissension in my beliefs or opinions! And stop thinking about sex!

Moderator: Now we're getting somewhere. Reverend, one of your group's founding principles is to stick their noses in to everyone else's business. Isn't this complicated by the free and open exchange of ideas on bulletin boards and the Internet?

Reverend: Of course. That's precisely why we need to control every aspect...

Sysop: ...of all mediums of communication so people don't talk about sex. Yes, we know.

Reverend: Well, sonny, isn't it true that you could use bulletin boards or the Internet to talk about sex?

Sysop: So what if they do? What about the First Amendment? What about free speech?

Reverend: If we have free speech people will be able to talk about sex! In public! An abomination!

Sysop: The First Amendment is there just because of people like you...

Reverend: Well!

Moderator: Sysop, please, continue to bait the old fart. He may have a fit or hit you or something else dramatic. Fisticuffs are really good for the ratings.

Reverend: As reported in Time magazine, according to a study done at Carnegie-Mellon University, 83.5% of traffic on the Use net is pornographic...

Sysop: The Rimm study! Ha! You are quoting from an unscientific study done by an undergraduate electrical engineer. His numbers are all wrong! If you do the math on the figures he came up with himself, the total is only 0.5%! I'm not letting you get away with...

Moderator: No facts, please; they give me a headache and only confuse the issue. Reverend, you were saying 83.5% of the images were pornographic? How can I get a look at some of them?

Sysop: That has so little to do with the good that computer networks provide. If you would only listen I'm sure you would...

Reverend: He's still thinking about sex. Just look at him. I bet he thinks about sex all the time. I can tell just by looking at people.

Moderator: Well, thank God that's over and I can go back to the bar. I am always amazed you idiots out there in fly-over land depend on us alleged news programs for your facts and ideas when you already caught us putting bombs in pickup trucks so they explode dramatically. What am I saying? You idiots probably didn't have a long enough attention span to watch this whole program anyway and I'm probably talking to myself.

Bob: Not very good, is it?

Frank: Nah. Forget that idiot box. Let's play a game of chess instead.

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Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (okay, "Beltway Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you.) in Falls Church, VA. He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Greg can be reached via e-mail at:

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May you live in interesting times.
 

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