Laugh Date: Wednesday, February 21, 2018

What's Inside

RAH Taglines:
Dave's Favorites

Well over 1000 taglines were published in the 28 original RAH issues.
The 400+ taglines that follow are Dave Bealer's favorites.

Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?

I haven't lost my's backed up on tape somewhere.

Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.

Friends don't let friends use Windoze.


Dedicated to the brave men who go down to the chips in C.

Calm down! It's only zeros and ones.

If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?

If I save the whales, where do I keep them?

Graduate of the Darth Vader School of Personnel Management.

Choosey mothers choose GIF.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.

Misspelled? Impossible...error correcting modem!

Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.

Does steel wool come from metal sheep?

We secretly replaced the dilithium crystals with Folgers crystals...

Tagline thievery...on the next Geraldo!

Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.

"Could you continue your petty bickering? I find it most intriguing."

Drop your carrier ... we have you surrounded!

A feature is a bug with seniority.

Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.

Illiterate? Write for FREE HELP!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Jesus Saves! Passes to Moses, He shoots. He SCORES!

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you!

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Why did CNN cancel that cool "Desert Storm" show?

A fool and his money are my two favorite people.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

STATUS QUO is Latin for "the mess we're in."

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

A procrastinator's work is never done.

"Captain, I sense a million minds staring at my cleavage."

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Error opening CLINTON.LIE Cannot recover COUNTRY.USA

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.

If puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.

I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Computer illiteracy? You mean my computer's supposed to READ?

Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

Apathy error: Don't bother striking any key.

Ignorance is temporary; Stupidity lasts forever!!!

You've got to hand it to the IRS. If not, they'll come and take it.

If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.

Money is the root of all evil. Send $20 for more information.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Paranoid: someone who just figured out what's going on.

Columbus had a fourth ship - it sailed over the edge.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was surprised.

Yogi Bare was a Buddhist Nudist.

Witches use brooms because nature abhors a vacuum.

Forget everything, as one day everything will forget you.

Pain is inevitable. Misery, however, is an option.

Shell to DOS...Come in Dos, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.

Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it!

Let the meek inherit the Earth, I want the stars!

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Syntax? Why not? They tax everything else!

Please hold. A representative will annoy you shortly.

Impeach Clinton...and her husband!

Go ahead, jump. 100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.

I want to be a veterinarian because I love children.

Personally, I don't believe in atheists.

Power corrupts; absolute power is kind of neat.

An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Never trust a skinny cook.

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

Wedding rings: the world's smallest handcuffs.

...speak very slowly, I'm a natural blonde.

Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.

We got rid of our kids. The cats are allergic!

Trespassers will be experimented on!

Smile. It makes the world wonder what you're up to.

I came real close to seeing Elvis, then my shovel broke.


Blood is thicker than water. Tastier and more nutritious too.

If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.

Censor - a man who knows more than he thinks you should.

Is there a lawyer is the house? -=}BLAM{=- Any more?

We are not surrounded. We are in a target-rich environment.

Gun control is being able to hit your target!

I think, therefore I am overqualified.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Men invented computers to drive women crazier!

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

The official Canadian DOS prompt..........EH:\>

If it's tourist season, where do I get a license?

Mongo only pawn in game of life.

I passed my ethics course. I cheated, of course.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Pun: the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it first.

Precinct toilet stolen - police have nothing to go on.

Tact is getting your point across without stabbing someone with it.

Instead of being born again, why not just grow up?

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

I'm not lost, I'm "locationally challenged."

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Never, EVER trust a draft dodger....

Well, isn't that S P E C I A L!

Could it be.......... S A T A N ?

Cream rises to the top......but then, so does scum...

To be or not to be, those are the parameters.

AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous

Seems just like yesterday . . . Hey! It was!

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Do ROFLS have ridges?

Just don't let Kirk show you what he calls "The Captain's Log."

A fate worse than death: to be married alive.

Few problems cannot be solved by proper application of high explosives.

"Is that seat saved?" "No, but we're praying for it."

CPE1704TKS "The only winning move is not to play." - Joshua

I am Zsa Zsa of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated dahling.

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

We must believe in free will. We have no choice.

Take time to smell the roses and eventually you'll inhale a bee.

I think I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Millihelen: amount of beauty required to launch one ship.

One good turn gets all the blankets.

And Adam asked, "What's a headache?"

Wicked Witch Parking Only - Violators will be toad.

Life would be much easier if I had the source code.

Love is grand, divorce is twenty grand.

I'm not conceited, I just can't stand mortals.

Electric chairs are period furniture; they end a sentence.

Recovering blonde.

Is there a Lemon Law for Presidents too?

She won't last forever, so why give her a diamond?

If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a walk?

God is real, unless declared "integer."

All the world's a stage, but most of us are stage hands.

Come in, Beverly, and I'll show you a real Picard maneuver.

But you can't let her drive! She's legally blonde!

If I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails.

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only heavier.

"I'm a lawyer." "Honest?" "No, the usual kind."

Is this yours? Your dog left it on my lawn.

I fought the lawn and the lawn won.

But what if I'm a figment of MY imagination?

Liberal tagline: friends don't let friends make up their own mind.

Alimony is having to say you're sorry once a month.

Preserve wildlife...pickle a squirrel.

Wheaties and beer: the Breakfast of ex-champions.

I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be... ooooohh, doughnuts!

They say give your money to God, but they give you their address.

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

He's dead? I thought he was imitating Al Gore.

Dawn crept across the lawn, searching for her car keys.

Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.

Support mental health, or I'll kill you!

Help Stamp Out Intolerance!

Honest, officer! The dwarf was on fire when I got here.

My life is not organized around high probability events.

Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.

I may not be right, but I'm never wrong!

Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.

Be consistent - but don't do it all the time.

Managing programmers is like herding cats.

Minding your own business will not be tolerated.

Hi, my name is John, and I'm a closet lurker.

From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*

Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet!

Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser.

Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.

Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.

I think, therefore I am... dangerous.

Nice computers don't go down.

If you take the plunge, return it by Tuesday.

I'm not short and heavy, I'm just traveling near the speed of light.

I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I must have a rapier wit; everyone keeps parrying.

If this isn't war, why is CNN massing on the border?

Hand me that dolphin burger. Yeah, the one in styrofoam.

The buck doesn't even slow down here.

Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.

You could have knocked me over with a fender.

Please return stewardess to original upright position.

Brain damage? No thanks, I already have some.

"Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI?

Okay, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going?

Live long and suffer - ancient Vulcan curse.

Teach kids the value of a dollar, give them a dime.

These cookies don't taste anything like girl scouts!

Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines. least the doctors find me fascinating...

Feminist bookstores have no humor section.

Styrofoam is shipped in ground-up environmentalists.

Respect you in the morning? I don't respect you now!

"Trouble with grammar have I, yes!" - Yoda

Redundancy: a politician with an airbag in his car.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

Kinky: using feathers. Perverted: using whole chickens.

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem!

I used to be indecisive - now I'm not so sure.

Do not disturb - already quite disturbed.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.

Me...a skeptic? I trust you can prove that.

"Why do you hang around with that sadist?" "Beats me!"

If Jesus was Jewish, why does he have a Mexican name?

Washington, D.C. 26 square miles surrounded by reality.

"I said a Bud Light." - Joan d'Arc

My best feature? I would say my overwhelming humility.

You can name your own salary here - I call mine Fred.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?

My genetics experiment ate my homework.

Never anger a dragon for you are crunchy and go well with Brie.

A penny for your thought. $20.00 to act it out.

A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.

I'm not dead, I'm metabollically challenged.

Fac meam diem. - Clintus Estvoodicus

He's mostly dead, Jim. Get Miracle Max.

I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.

I am Shakespeare of Borg. Prepare to be, or not to be.

I am McMahon of Borg. You may already be assimilated.

Conservative (n): Liberal who has been mugged.

If his mind was a book the pages would be stapled shut.

Jesus saves, and only takes half damage.

I bought some powdered water. What do I add?

No sense being pessimistic, it wouldn't work anyway.

Firmware: hardware that's starting to melt.

What do you mean my birth certificate expired?

Incorrigible punster - do not incorrige.

The truth is, Columbus discovered Ohio.

100% of people who breathe die.

America's favorite whine: "It's not my fault!"

I'll bet I don't have a gambling problem.

Politicians always lie when their lips move.

I don't care if I am a lemming, I'm still not going!

One Christmas I got a battery with a note saying, "toy not included."

Vegetarians eat vegetables. Beware of humanitarians!

"Junior, quit playing with your floppy!"

Drag me, drop me, treat me like an object.

In DBLSPACE no one can hear your data scream.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

"I'm so cool you can store meat in me." - Zaphod

Just as I think I've hit bottom, somebody hands me a shovel.

I'll live forever. Or die trying.

Support the arts - shoot a critic.

All I want for Christmas is a box of Smurfs and a mallet.

If it ain't broke yet, let me have a shot at it.

I'm being held prisoner in a chocolate factory. Don't send help.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

I hit the CRTL key but I'm still not in control!

I am Mr. T of Borg. I pity da fool that resists me.

Of course I'm sane. The voices said so.

Nice underwear. Perhaps you should take them off your head.

Women do come with instructions, ask them!

Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

They made us eat porridge. It was a gruelling experience.

...just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason, too.

It would never work. I'm Aquarius and you're ridiculous.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Member of PETA - People for the Eating of Tasty Animals

Anger is a wind that blows out the lamp of the mind.

Do the words 'act of war' mean anything to you?

Klingon Prime Directive: If it moves, shoot it.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy?

I live in a quiet neighborhood - they use silencers.

I! Finally! Figured! Out! How! To! Punctuate! Kirk's! Sentences!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

I threw caution to the wind. The wind threw it back.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

My ship came in. Naturally it was the Kobayashi Maru.

Bill Clinton: the EDLIN of presidents.

Armed, dangerous, and off my medication.

Death to all fanatics!

Lawyer: a cat who settles disputes between mice.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

If you can't say something nice, say something surreal.

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.

I don't want the whole world, just your half.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill.

Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either.

Philistines demand David be tested for steroids.

I brake for animals - and accelerate for small children.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Seppuku: unique Japanese way to let it all hang out.

...and this little piggy stayed home. He's agoraphobic.

Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

"Are you sure it isn't time for a colorful metaphor?"

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

Cats know how we feel. They don't give a damn, but they know.

I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

A bachelor never makes the same mistake once.

If you can read this, my cloaking device is on the fritz.

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

Got a 486 for my wife - good trade.

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant and Chocolate.

Ted Kennedy's Bumper Sticker: My other car is underwater.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Give the gift of high velocity lead.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

No, I'm not an elitist. Why do you ask, peasant?

Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?

Just sliding down the razor blade of life.

Quoth the Raven, "Eat my shorts!"

And you thought space was warped.

"Bother," said Pooh, as he struggled with his condom.

Raise your IQ: eat gifted children.

I was born alive. Isn't that punishment enough?

One if by LAN, two if by C.

Everything's falling into place - on top of me.

Karaoke is the Japanese word for "tone deaf."

What is a "free gift?" Aren't all gifts free?

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Objects are just data structures with an attitude.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

"No matter how cynical I get, I still can't keep up." - Lily Tomlin

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Yeah, it's done. Can't you hear the smoke alarm?

The computer revolution is over. They won.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I like your approach. Now, let's see your departure.

ZenCrafters: Total enlightenment, in about an hour.

Oh, no, not another learning experience!

Theatre is life - Film is art - Television is furniture.

This little piggy went to market. He's a shopaholic.

"You want to be buried or cremated?" "Surprise me."

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Positive: mistaken at the top of your voice.

One of those days? I have one of those lives.

When life hands you lemons make Strawberry Daiquiris.

Meddle not in the affairs of wizards, for <>...ribbit.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

How did the fool and his money get together in the first place?

Would you have the grace to discorporate?

Human beings were created by water to transport it up hill.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Join my war on technology...send me a FAX. - Mark Russell

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Don't use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.

I ain't broke but I'm badly bent.

Keelhauling is a real bitch on a starship.

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.

Poor eyes limit your sight, poor vision limits your deeds.

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.

Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with The Simpsons.

Enter any 12 digit prime number to continue.

Virginity: a curable congenital defect.

Soul of Cassanova. Body of Elmer Fudd.

My train of thought derailed.

Nothing screws up a good story like an eyewitness.

"What were you in civilian life?" "Happy, sir!"

I'm not a photographer. I just wear all this to lose weight.

I'm going insane and I'm taking you with me.

Team effort: a lot of people doing what _I_ say!

Dachshunds are really small crocodiles with fur.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

A squirrel is just a rat with good P.R.

Laddie, do ya think might like ta...rephrase that?

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional!

Amish bumper sticker: Caution! Do not step in exhaust.

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

The time to make up your mind about people is...never.

If you want to know about paranoids, follow them around.

A language is a dialect with an army and navy.

Think you're confused? Wait until I explain it.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.

Never discuss love with a tennis player, it means nothing to them.

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

The Americans have taken umbrage. Whereabouts is that?

Monday is a hard way to spend one seventh of your life.

But officer, the stop sign was green when I went through it.

Judging from the taste, I'd say the other one is shinola.

95% of all politicians give the other 5% a bad name.

"Are you the police?" "No ma'am, we're musicians."

Diamond: a lump of coal that made good under pressure.

Delete 'em all and let Norton sort 'em out!

If law school is so tough, why are there so many lawyers?

Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded. - Yogi Berra

When you reach the crossroads, take it. - Yogi Berra

The trouble with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

I don't cheat, I play by the extended rules.

So easy to use a child can do it. Child sold separately.

What part of my brilliance don't you understand.

To eat, perchance, to barf.

Lord, give me patience... right now!

Life's a bitch, but some of the puppies are cute.

Never question authority. It doesn't know either.

"I am a jelly doughnut." - John F. Kennedy

Professor: one who talks in someone else's sleep.

Rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage.

The Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.

He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.

Intel - still number 0.999873464508

Things you never hear people say; "Hand me that piano."

"Bother," said Pooh, and called in an air strike.

It's a small war, can I have it?

Ambidextrose: able to put sugar in coffee with either hand.

Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.

1024x768x256.... sounds like one mean woman.

Then Q met Lorena - after which he was known as O.

Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.

This product sadistically tested on gerbils.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

The trouble with life is the lack of cool background music.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

I plan to be a late bloomer - it's the only chance I've got.

"Why Johnny Can't Read" - Now available on VHS tape.

Cat bathing is a martial art.

Democracy: 3 wolves and a sheep voting on what's for lunch.

I always wanted to be something, I wish I'd been more specific.

(c) Copywight Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Sorry, my mind was on edible underwear today.

Mars needs women - no experience necessary!

"Bother," said Pooh as he strafed the lifeboats.

Yes, but you're taking the universe out of context.

You're about as subtle as an axe between the eyes.

Circular definition: see definition, circular.

I agreed to suspend disbelief, not hang it until it died!

...and if you think THAT'S weird...


Dave Bealer is a fifty-something mainframe systems programmer who works with CICS, z/OS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront townhome in Pasadena, MD. with a cat who annoys him endlessly as he assiduously avoids writing for and publishing Random Access Humor. Dave can be reached via e-mail at:


Random Nonsense:
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

Classic RAH


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