Best of RAH:
Welcome to the FidoNet Olympics
by Dave Bealer
This parody first appeared in the August 10, 1992 issue of FidoNews.
It also appeared in the September 1992 issue of Random Access Humor.
Dave would like to thank Tom Jennings (who was the editor of FidoNews
in 1992) for publishing this article, Dave's very first humor publication.
Dave is less pleased with Tom's decision to cease publishing humor in
FidoNews. Said decision led Dave to fall into electronic publishing
(backwards, and in a most undignified manner).
Copyright © 1992 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved.
The echoes are kind of quiet these days. Maybe everyone is glued
to the Olympics Triplecast. For those of us who aren't, why not have
our own Olympics on FidoNet? Here is a summary of suggested events:
Local BBS Events
14.4K Protocol Negotiation
The winner is the first user who can stay awake during the entire
protocol negotiation sequence between a V.32bis modem and a tin can.
110-step Registration Hurdles
The gold medal goes to the user who completes the "simple"
registration procedure in the shortest time. Contestants are advised
not to wear glasses or contacts while competing in this event, as
they might interfere with the online laser retina scan.
Competitors attempt to break 16 different FidoNet policies and/or
draconian local sysop rules in a single logon session.
Download Ratio Balance Beam
Users attempt daring massive downloads without (hopefully) losing
their download privileges.
The gold goes to the user who can enter and play the most door games
in a 45 minute logon session.
The winner is the user who can find the echo he is looking for in the
fewest BBS accesses.
You won't believe how these competitors can twist and turn the
English language into almost unrecognizable shapes.
Greco-Roman Thread Wrestling
Wrestling for control over the direction an echo conference thread
will take. Moderators are ineligible for this event.
Contestants enter 75 messages in a single echo in one session. Each
message must have a minimum of three lines and at least one line must
be original (not quoted). The one who enters the 75 messages in the
shortest time wins. Penalties will be assessed for each message
which actually pertains to the topic of the echo. The use of offline
readers is prohibited.
The winner will have made the longest continual quotation with the
shortest vaguely pertinent reply. The current world record is 382
lines of quotes with a five word reply.
Medals are awarded in the following categories: Annoying, Childish,
Funny, Gross and Stupid. There is also a special all-around medal
for the tagline which best combines all five attributes.
The gold medal goes to the first pair of correspondents who nest
their quotes so deeply that the leading initials force the message
text off the screen entirely.
Each contestant ascends to the soapbox and attempts to make insulting
comments about everyone and everything in FidoNet. Timing is
critical, as the competitor must dive off the platform before his/her
access to the net is revoked.
Heavyweight Ego Lifting
In this event the posturing which precedes the lift can be more
important than the lift itself.
Full Contact Flaming
What would a FidoNet Olympics be without its symbol, the flame?
5 MB Packet Toss
The gold medal goes to the Sysop whose system can dearchive, toss,
sort, link and julienne a 5 MB mail packet in the shortest time.
The winner is the Sysop who can cause the most dupe-loops in the most
different echoes in one day of operation.
The winning Sysop pair will be the one whose systems synchronize
their polls to each other the longest (without getting through).
After the events are over everyone will be hanging out at the Olympic
Village BBS, chatting online about the competitors who failed their
drug tests. Best of all we won't have parted with $125 for the
Dave Bealer is a fifty-something mainframe systems programmer who
works with CICS, z/OS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with a cat who annoys him endlessly as he
assiduously avoids writing for and publishing Random Access Humor.
Dave can be reached via e-mail at:
Real men don't set for stun.