Laugh Date: Saturday, April 29, 2017

What's Inside

Best of RAH:
The Dynamically Translated Address

translated by Dave Bealer

This parody first appeared in the March 1994 issue of Random Access Humor. It also appeared on the Humor page of the June 1995 issue of Enterprise Systems Journal.

Copyright © 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved.
(With sincere apologies to Mr. Lincoln)


Four TORS and seven Queries ago our programmers brought forth on this mainframe a new program, conceived in COBOL, and dedicated to the transaction that all users should be serviced equally.

Now we are engaged in a great regression, testing whether that program or any program so compiled and so debugged can long process. We are met on a great SYSUDUMP of that regression. We have come to dedicate a portion of that listing, as a final resting place for those who gave their sanity that that program might run. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger partition, we cannot wait, we cannot process, we cannot swap this address space. These brave transactions, running and suspended, who struggled here, have processed it, far beyond our poor instruction to add or subtract. The system log will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never abend what they did here. It is for us, the raving, rather, to be committed to an institution while they who watched us are nobly promoted to management. It is rather for us to be here dispatched to the active task remaining in the queue - that from these suspended tasks we take increased CPU cycles for that task for which they gave the last full page of real storage - that we here highly resolve that these suspended shall not have swapped in vain - that this program, under MVS, shall have a new burst of throughput - and that applications of the region, by the region, and for the region, shall not abend from the system.

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Dave Bealer is a fifty-something mainframe systems programmer who works with CICS, z/OS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront townhome in Pasadena, MD. with a cat who annoys him endlessly as he assiduously avoids writing for and publishing Random Access Humor. Dave can be reached via e-mail at:

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